It’s A Numbers Game And I Don’t Want To Play It.

7days post-op -30lbs (15 pre-surgery)

Ahhh numbers, sometimes they are fun like,  ‘I lost lost 2lbs since the last time I weighed myself’ or ‘I ate three spoons of Greek yogurt today’ but others just seem so overwhelming.  Numbers like my age, what’s in my bank account until Friday (the answer is ‘not enough’) and of course the biggest of all numbers my heaviest weight.  Today was spent thinking a lot about numbers and it would seem  everything important  in life needs to be quantified.

Since being off work and beginning this blog about the journey of weightloss I’ve been approached  to do a few other interviews and As it’s obvious, I love an audience so I’m happy to promote the blog even more.  One of the most common questions still remains the most difficult  “What was your heaviest weight or your starting weight?”.   Of course asking such a thing makes perfect sense when talking about the progress of  someone who’s had weight loss surgery but it’s a number that has so many feelings attached to it.  I didn’t start this journey wholly for the vanity of the scale but to improve my mobility and my health in the future so there is a part of me that does not wish to focus so much on the scale but the shame of that number still exists.  Somehow by sharing that number you acknowledge just how far out of control you allowed things to get.  So today I’ve decided that the big number (my starting weight) will be mine alone for the time being.  Maybe once I’ve seen more progress I will want to share, I’m just not quite there.  I will however gladly share my goals and progress.  So as of today I am 30lb lighter than when I started this journey and from now on you will find a losing talley at the top of every post.  Half of that  weight was lost pre-surgery while on a liver shrinking pre-op liquid diet for two weeks and the other fifteen I lost in hospital and the 7days following surgery.  As far as my long term goals go, I would like to lose a total of 125lbs. It will not be easy though.  I realize the first 60 may be but the remainder is work that I am willing to put in.

Are you comfortable talking about your numbers?


  1. Number are so hard. Especially when it seems that everyone around you is less. Everyone seems to hold those number dear, when really what do they really measure? Not a smile, not a kind deed…and yet, it seems our worth is sometimes only measured by the scale. At the moment I’d love to be back at the number I weighed in high school, which I thought at the time was impossibly large. Your words regarding “how far out of control” ring true to me too. How did this get to be me? And it seems the harder you fight, the harder it is to control those numbers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am 4yrs post surgery next month & have been very vocal about having it. I live to share my experience in hopes that it may help someone to decide if it is for them or if it isn’t. I do however keep my starting number to myself, there are some things that are private & to me that is very personal and I owe no one that answer. If I feel it may really help someone then I will but that is my decision to do so. Remember you are a warrior!

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  2. I have always fluctuated my whole life – I have been too skinny at 144lbs which I thought wasn’t even possible and then now I’m in the 250s which is my heaviest – I have learned in my 29 years that , there is such a self-esteem and emotional connection to the scale number even though there shouldn’t be – it’s a on going journey for me! YOUR starting weight is all yours and not sharing it I can totally relate too! I hope to regain my healthy weight at 175-180 🙂 keeep up the hard work Hilary I listen to you every morning that I work 🙂


  3. I see my number entirely differently, I see the number of battles I’ve undergone, the number of trauma’s I’ve experienced, the number of times I’ve allowed harmful words from others affect my life and body negatively, I see my weight as a number that shows the pain I’ve suffered and the relentlessly impossible obstacles I’ve put my mind through and the battles I’ve lost.

    I am by no means proud of my weight in any way shape or form, or my body for that matter, but I am starting to appreciate my mind as I go through my own weight loss journey and how fragile and susceptible I have been to cruel and hurtful words and actions. These words and actions have impacted my emotional state of mind and how my mind has resorted to food as an emotional pacifier.

    Please don’t be ashamed of your starting weight, wear your story on your sleeve, after all, only the brave like yourself have found courage to get on a path to regain your life back, stronger and healthier. Look after your mind, it will repay back one day with a life worth living and loving for.

    Love Louise

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The older we get the harder it gets to lose weight…having recently changed up my eating habits and lost 11 lbs over the course of the first month I can say I am firmly committed to keeping that “number” on a downward swing. Some days are easier than other when it comes to sticking to the healthy eating plan, but the tough days require a reflection on why I decided to embark on this journey…For myself !!! It’s the only reason I can think of doing it for.
    On a lighter note…I can brag that the earrings I wore in high school (many years ago)…STILL FIT….lol… can do this Hilary…you’re worth it

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  5. I totally agree with you that the numbers are very personal and I think it is very rude of someone to even ask about a persons weight.
    I always hated hearing people especially ones smaller than me talking about weight because I was always afraid that they would ask me how much I weighed and was too embarrassed to answer them.
    I went to the Windsor clinic in Aug. 2016 and was 365 lbs. I was 340lbs when I started the optifast diet and according to my home scale was down to 312lbs the day of my surgery. I am 1 week post op and am down to 299lbs!
    I am very happy that you are so open about your surgery and have this blog. A lot of what you say/feel is the same as myself,and it helps to go through this journey knowing their is other people that think/feel the same.
    Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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